When summer arrived, I was gruesomely reminded of how much I hate the heat. The first thing my dog decides to kick off this new season with is a dead bird. She tries to bring it inside, so I had to pry it from her mouth with both hands before I can open the back door. Bloody gutty hands and muzzle. Oh joy.
Maybe it was a sign of things to come, or maybe my dog just likes killing birds. This wasn't the first time she had done this. No one would ever expect this 8 pound poodle like pup to be a cold-blooded killer. That is the thing about murderers, people never see them coming. It's how they can succeed in this profession in the first place. They always catch their pray off guard.
There are a few men in my life who had ever meant anything to me. This book is not about them. I mention this because their actions have caused much pain in my life. You always hear that horribly tacky stereotype about sex workers having "daddy issues". I find this completely wrong. I think sex workers are the product derived because of the need for men with woman issues to have some form of escape. Face it, who would pay for the madness I get paid for if there weren't some sort of maniacal evil at work in their subconscious? Or we could just get real and say: some people like watching porn, some like doing porn. No daddy issues, no women issues, just a love for all things sexy.
I hadn't felt sexy since I became pregnant. It's funny that everyone had told me how awesome pregger sex was going to be, and how wet and horny I would become. For Christ sake, there is even a pregnant porn category. Yeah, none of that sexiness happened for me. I felt like a big fat sad cow who didn't live in California. My feet were swollen, I had acne, my hair was falling out. Seriously, what the fuck did I do to deserve my penguin waddle? It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Some people say anyone with a vagina could get pregnant. Just spread your legs and let an overly willing man fill you with his sperm, and wa-la: baby. I wasn't one of those. After trying for a year and failing miserable I decided I didn't need a baby and I was going to go back to college and finish my degree. Someone upstairs seems to like to use me as a cruel joke.
Everyone around me seemed to be fertile baby makers, and here I was obviously not doing it right. I had all these grandiose ideas about homeschooling, making my own baby-food, and sporting one of those awesome Ergo baby-holders like the granola moms you see in magazines. Perfect and happy. This is the reason people with kids are hysterically laughing on the inside at those without kids.
Parenthood is a fucking trap. You create this little monster that destroys all your shit and takes up all your time, but you love this tiny human with all your heart so your priorities change. You don't care if your meaningless shit gets fucked up as long as your little monster is smiling.
I know, "what the fuck is all this talk about kids"? When do we get to the porn? It's kind of strange how porn and kids should never be talked about when the stuff you do in porn is what leads to kids. In fact, most of the cam gals I know have kids and spouses. It's not something most people think about because our jobs is to be "sex objects". Societies vision of the women I call coworkers is something else I whole heartedly disagree with.
The truth is, I would have never entered into the taboo profession of cam modeling if it hadn't been for my kid. My body was ruined, my confidence was nothing. My husband loved me, but I needed to be showered with attention like I had been when I worked in the restaurant business. I needed that part of my life back, the part where I was making money and getting complimented constantly, but I couldn't work away from the home. I needed to be able to do something from home so that I wouldn't miss anything with my little one. I needed something I could do when he was sleeping, something that allowed me complete control of my own schedule, I needed to be an adult again, I needed something new and exciting, and cleaning house is not really the fun I had in mind.
Months into my favorite new part-time job, I'm awoken by a text. "Is this your Josh, It can't be, right?" I open the accompanying link: Man kills entire family and himself, neighbors describe him as nice and social. It can't be him.... unfortunately it is. Fuck you summer, I never liked you anyway.
